Thirty Eight

36

37

Thirty Eight

Who me? Um, yeah.........you. So let's see how I did on 37.

Nope, not in the same job
Nope, still not in a committed relationship
Yup, still contributing at the hospital even through loss
Still not all that comfortable with the "mortal George"
Focus and fire has been questioned but it is coming back in a new way
Without question I have changed

I don't know if birthdays are much or a landmark or if the world is supposed to make more sense with every passing year. I guess it's like a new year's day or something where you make resolutions or things kinda start over - at least some might say. Again getting a year older seems fairly benign in my eyes.

I can at least pause to consider the last year and maybe how my world has changed. It's changed a good bit. Clearly professionally I am at a crossroads given that I am no longer at Calpine and have been looking for work since November. Four months on the bench has been no fun for me and it has taken it's toll for sure mentally. This will correct in time but I can look at it as (hopefully) a future husband and father. What would this mean if I was a provider in that sense? Will I have to go through this when I am in that role? Maybe that is why God has not brought me to the right person yet.

Mom is doing as well as she could right now and she has some decisions to make. I am glad that she has me in her life for another year and can see me grow and mature. Creeping up in age does make you consider your health and how important maintaining that really is. 38 years old and the worst that I can say is that I have asthma, not bad.

Talking to Nolan tonight really kinda summed it up for me. Although a little bit of time passes in our lives, each year somehow puts a lot of distance between us and the events and times that have passed. I have been back in Houston for three years and it seems like a lot more. Pops has been gone for about 13 years and it seems like 20. The constant that keeps us pushing past the years quicker than they pass is that the world keeps on turning each and every day. Nobody stops for your personal pity party. The world could care less on your agenda. God is gonna keep things moving even through a war, disaster (Katrina), or personal loss of a loved one. No matter how good or bad your momentary circumstance may be, things are still changing around you for better and for worse.

This party does not stop until he says it's over. I am glad that I got to attend the party for one more year.


I walk in the air
Between the rain
Through my self
and back again to where..........I don't know

What's for Dinner: Hen

Cornish Hen, Shitake, Spinach

What Next?

I'm not quite sure.

Seems like I have called all the right people and done the right things but the next job still evades me. Much of what I am doing and plan to do seems like it is on the right track to find something and most people are surprised given my efforts that a job still eludes me. It's getting pretty frustrating at this point but I am not sure what else to do.

Where did I go wrong in all of this? Nowhere, remember?

"It's not you."
"Don't take it personally."
"Keep your chin up."
"Something will come through soon."
"Do you have any prospects?"

Days End

End of the day today and well, it's just another Monday. 20+ calls and emails today following up on the job search and it seems like I have nothing to show for it. December, January, February and now March with nothing. Nothing. I know that I will work again some day and it will come but it's getting pretty frustrating waiting for it. When it takes somebody a week or two to call me back that is an eternity on my end but there is only so much I can do. I mean come on, return my phone call already! Although people are saying the market is good, I have to claim the contrary from my experience so far. But again, there is only so much I can do.

Sitting here trading emails and calls gets old and I know I should be doing more outside of the house. It's spring now and the days are longer with better weather. I really want to take some of this time and go get some jumps in to keep my sanity but I feel guilty about doing that. I think I am just gonna say the hell with it and jump on Wednesday and get my head back on straight if the weather is good.

What's for dinner? Glazed pork chop night.

Just a Babe.......

Results

Looks like the initial results of mom's surgery are positive. Good news. Great news. Hearing this felt like a huge weight being taken away.

Small steps.
Small steps.

Stronger

If I had to say one thing about my mother, it would be that she is incredibly strong. Her strength is something that really can't be put into words for somebody to understand unless you have been around her and seen her. Mom has always had this incredible ability to overcome and do more than most. It's uncanny how nothing stops her. I often look at her and then consider the women that I know or meet along the way and she stands head and shoulders above them all in a way beyond comparison.


God doesn't make women like Margaret anymore.

I don't know where she got her grace either.....she grew up in the deep south and all of her sisters have the same charm. There is a propriety in her demeanor that underlies her voice and actions. She also has a very direct way of communicating which leans back to her strength. If it is on her mind, she will say it. She is a fighter in every way and nothing keeps her down which is the most incredible thing about her. It's probably her faith that drives it all and that is the one quality that I wish that I had from her. Mom has a daily faith that guides her every action whether the sun shines or it rains. She finds a way to make it through it all and there are not many people that can say that. How could I ever begin to repay this gift? I have not thought much about Houston recently but tonight I started thinking about going back and it made me sad in a way. I don't want to leave her.