On Turning 37: What I know I don't know

A year ago was 36.

Thursday is 37. Much is still the same but lot is different. I suppose I have been reflecting on things say ten years or so ago. It's odd that time would be on my mind right now as it was the time I was getting ready to go back to school. A lot was going on. A lot of good change. I think .....I think I felt "young" then like that actually means something. Young. Whatever George. hmph!

If I wanted somebody to know where I am right now if they were to read this in the future, I am not sure what I would want them to know. Yes, I am very blessed. I have good friends. I have an interesting life in a lot of ways, yet there are a lot of things that I need to pull together. I need that fire back. Having a stable or normal or good life is not enough. I need to take a chance on myself and extend myself in new directions. Could be anything - job, relationship, just my routine. I really need to work on that. Life should be fresh. Every day should be cherished not stale. Shame on me if my tomorrows are like my todays. So what next? I really don't know. There are a lot of things I don't know.

I don’t think another year will find me in the same job.

I don’t think I know how to be in a healthy committed relationship with somebody. I have been either single or in sideways relationships so long that the concept is foreign to me.

I don’t think I can continue my community service with the kids if I lose another close to me. I am gonna need a break some time soon to re-energize.

I don’t think I am comfortable with my mortality. In fact I know this to be true. I fear death and my faith has not comforted the “mortal” George. This is my skeleton.

I don’t think I am sure I know exactly what I should be doing - I lack the focus and the fire that I once had

But I do know that a year from now, I will be yet another "different George"

That's my blood down there
Seems poured from the hands of angels
But trickle into the ground
Leaves the warehouse bare and empty
And my heart's numbered beat
Still echo in this empty room
And fear wells in me
But nothing seems good enough to defend
So I am going away,
Though you know I'd love to say,
Lucky lucky lucky day........

Hear Me

God it's George. Just me, just George.

Please help her. I now know the only worst thing than hearing a mother say their child is not in remission is hearing them say that the child is not a candidate for another transplant Why does this happen? How can somebody so beautiful and so alive right in front of me ......just be sick. You don't go from young and full of life to - I can't even say it. Lord please, this family really needs a healing spirit surrounding them. If I can stand in the middle in any way, allow them to see you through me. Help me so that I can be there for them.

Please.

A Year

I don't know if I have ever journaled for a complete year.....or at least a year with any regularity. I think the last hand written journal I had started in maybe '96 and went through '02 or so. That journal saw a lot of my life but not with any regularity.

So here I am one year later. I suppose I am fairly happy with myself for keeping up the effort. I think I can also look in the mirror and say I am aware of myself: my weaknesses and strengths. It's also been fun. Most of all I hope that it has been meaningful for friends to be able to stay in touch and hopefully for somebody to get to know me in the future. This hopefully will live beyond me. Also in another light I have made some friends and strengthened other friendships and that is cool.

I think I will keep this up for now. In a lot of ways it keeps me healthy by allowing me to share what is on my mind freely. I need this space and in a lot of ways I find myself craving to come here and that is good. It means that I am getting something out of it. I like that.

One year.........

Again

Here I am again. Pissed. You know, I actually paused to wonder if I should journal about this, but I have no ideal why that crossed my mind. Was thinking a week or so ago that I don't want to be perceived as the guy that always has an issue. He is unhappy. He is dissatisfied. He can't cope. He can't get it together. He complains.

I don't care. This is the way I feel. This is who I am. This is where I am and if it sucks, then it sucks. I don't owe an apology to anybody.

This is me.

Work ourselves, fingers to the bone
Suck the marrow, drain my soul
Pay your dues, and your debts
Pay your respect, everybody tells you
You pay for what you get
You pay for what you get

You Really Should Learn

The reason why you have a headache and you neck is in knots it because of the way you focus on the crap being thrown your way. Of course it sucks. Of course you should be mad. But clearly feeling your blood pressure rise in 2 minutes because you have been stewing is not good for your health.

Fix it
Speak out on it
Make your integrity known
And move on

Saint Patrick's Day in Austin

Hack, Cough, Ahhhchoo!

Had the worst cold this week. How do you get a cold in the Spring time? That has never made any sense to me at all. This has not turned out to be the best week to work on the quality of my weekdays as I had planned but I will get to that next week.

It has taken since close of business a week ago to get any traction with IID at work. I have run this deal 24 ways to Sunday and it still comes up as a huge positive. Again the new regime does their best to kill a deal with analysis. They will end up killing me with it soon enough. It also felt great to hear about a job given to a headhunter to recruit for a position here that would be a promotion for me. I guess there were "no internal candidates suitable." Eat me.

How does this happen?

In 2007 somebody that I know uses the word "nigger"..............while sitting right next to me. I don't even know what to say about this. People disappoint me so much.......

Feet on the Ground

This weekend came and went far too fast. I have nothing to complain about by far but I somehow want more out of those two days. My days are packed I suppose but....I don't know. I can't put my hand on it. Looking back it was good - Friday quick dinner and then the G Love concert, Saturday 3 jumps in at the DZ and Dinner with Sean and Edit, today church, brunch and TCH. What is it? Maybe I need to let go of more of the negative energy......shit, I don't know. Here I go holding back...... Work on the weekdays George, not the weekends.

Work on the weekdays.

It's been hard and will be hard to keep my feet on the ground when there is blue sky above me. It's too easy to think about being up "there". I had three great jumps Saturday. The last of the day was with Kat. Great two way with a closed accordian exit - I took the outside position for the first time. It was really cool to hang outside for the first time giving the exit count. It was cool to be right there in her face during the dive with good technique as we turned points exchanging grips. It feels good to continue to impress the instructors and coaches. So much more to learn though and you are always one mental mistake from the edge. Next, wait a couple more weeks for my own RW suit, not far behind, get my own rig. Gonna be really hard then to keep me off a plane.

G Love and Special Sauce

He Said, She Said: Versus

She Said: Ninjas

He Said: Monkeys

Or

Monkey Ninjas

It's kinda like a waffle burger.....

In Memory

Roberto F.

Good People. Gone.

I knew this was coming for some time now. Hell, I think anybody that could see what has been going on could see this coming. Jim resigned yesterday.

My Sr. VP
My boss
My mentor
My friend

So many good people have left and it pains me to see another go. I have no idea where my future will be within or without Calpine now that he is gone. I can be sure of one thing - a shift in power, policy and leadership has occurred and it won't be the same. Unfortunately I know that my role won't be the same either.

Eric Clapton

Michael Franti and Spearhead