Transparency

What do people see in me.....or see going on.....or just see?

It happened again a few days ago sitting over at 13 Celsius. I am just sitting there with my glass of wine and the woman next to me asks what's wrong....."You seem so serious."

Geez I can't even hide it just hanging out to have a glass of wine and relax. I am just sitting there checking out the wine list and this woman completely sees through me. What in the world do I throw off that people see all the time? Why are the gears in my head so damn loud? I have not been able to let this go since it happened for some reason. I suppose it's because it happens so often. There is something, maybe negative is the right word, in my vibe and people pick up on it. If I were to be honest with myself I would see that it is possibly the reason that people think I am serious/up tight/not fun/not outgoing and not a cool guy to date. I really want to be more approachable.

I want this to be said here because I want to work on it. By no means am I proud of this, it's just a lesser part of who I am that needs to be corrected. Now - how do I correct it?

Reaching

Focus.

Find it.

Keep it.

Focus.

Sunday Scrambles

Such a rewarding day today, it't the only way I can describe it.

I went down to Skydive Spaceland today expecting just to do some jumps and call it a day. I ended up doing the 4 way scrambles after getting talked into it by DJ and Denae. I am totally glad I did it because I learned a ton about working with a team in the air. This was my first time jumping in a 4 way formation as a team competing against 3 other teams. I suppose as 4 way competitons go, this was totally low key and designed to be an introduction for new guys like me. There is nothing like launching a formation out the door and watching it go down the hill. Of course some of the formations went to crap but I am happy I did it.

Fifth jump of the day was really special for me. I unpacked my rig that my packer had packed and re-packed it myself and jumped it. Now that is rewarding!!!! I also got my last on target jump for my A-License. A good day indeed.

Misplaced

Faith and hope placed in things beyond your control are simply faith and hope misplaced.

Left in a fairly bitter place yesterday, this is what I kept coming back to. Assigning blame is what I suppose anybody would want to do because it's never YOUR fault. Naw, that would be way too easy. Somebody else has to take the fall cause no way does it fall back on you. But just the fact that I had no choice but to find an explanation from others shows that others were in control, not me. If it was not something that I could affect, I would have. I was never in control and I assumed incorrectly that my best interests would be represented - but then again why would they?

Hmmmph, painful lesson. But I get it. I still "place some faith/hope" that things will be made right, but I will choose to be surprised rather than make assumptions and be disappointed.

Learning to Pack

Little Things

I think I learned something this weekend but it has been hard to put my finger on. Not sure how I want to explain/discuss/archive it here. BUT I do know one thing, somehow I learned something, and that "something" is important to remember.

I am learning that skydiving is somehow a lab experiment for a lot of things I come across. The sport is bigger than life and it somehow magnifies things to be larger than life or in some cases amplifies the results of things. This weekend the things that happened seem to have their own lessons to be learned in the context of skydiving:

1. Loose brake line not stowed with the toggle causing the tip of my right hand glove to get caught in a line
2. Stowing my slider late and losing altitude/direction awarenes forcimg me to land in a field to the north
3. Excess strap on my helmet flaping against my face in free fall that ends up almost cutting my cheek

All three of these things are little details. Small things. However each of these small things ended up causing much larger consequences for my day. In each of these cases, however, I was able to manage what was going on and stay aware and safe. I think this is all fine and good as a lesson in skydiving safety and making sure I keep my bones inside my skin but that is not the point I am trying to get to.

Little things matter. The small things that we do or say everyday matter in the larger picture of our lives. Somehow I am more aware of how decisions affect our lives and how something that might seem insignificant (a choice, a conversation, an interaction, a word, a glance, a feeling left unsaid) might end up causing something important. Not sure why this has stayed with me going into this week like it has, but I feel a need for thoughful consideration in how I live and what I do. I suppose it's not that I live my life now not thinking about these things, maybe this is just my reminder. Not paying attention to this "reminder" might cause a consequence that is not only my own, but someone else's also. Little things matter.

A Celebration and a Graduation

Yesterday was a completely low stress day, something that I needed. I just kinda got up and lived which was something I have not done in a long time. I took the day off from work this Friday and it was very much needed. Good weather, good time, good news.

I celebrate for mom getting the news that the fears of something being there have become nothing. The doctor turned off the alarm so the prayers have been answered. I knew that there were alternatives and I did not want to jump to conclusions. I am glad I kept my head on straight. I am sure she will continue to seek the advice of specialists to sort things out, but at least we know things do not look bad from the beginning. I am so happy for the family for this one......Moms is strong. She is the strength for a lot of us.

Yesterday was also my graduation from the student program at Skydive Spaceland. Although I am not licensed yet, I am at least done with the formal educational student program. This means that I can jump solo or in groups with people that are more experienced which is awesome. Yesterday went really good for me and I think I exceeded my own expectation on the quality of my jumps. This was my first time flying a Sabre 2 - 230 which was a blast because it is so much more responsive. First jump of the day I had to land off in a field to the north because that canopy falls a lot more than I was used to - all good. No cows, no horses, no issues.

My graduation dive was one of my favorites to date. We jumped from 13K or so and I did a diving exit solo. No jump master, just me and the sky. I locked on to downtown Houston on the horizon and just watched the city for 10,000 feet. Perfect, simply perfect. The last dive of the day was with Mike who is a lot more experienced and really knowledgeable. We did a team exit that was so smooth. As we were diving out on the hill I looked at him and he was smiling just as much as I was which was so rewarding to know that a senior jumper was thinking, "hey, this guy aint that bad!" We docked a couple of times and I made a couple turns and it all went well.

Welcome to my new addiction!

Close to Home

Again I am wondering if I started something that I can't finish. I promised myself that this would be the home for all the good AND all the bad in my life in hopes that it would be my release and maybe mean something to somebody in my life one day. Sigh. I owe it to myself to hold true to that. This is my life. All of it.

Mom got results back today that point to something wrong with one of her kidneys. Maybe malignant. Still maybe not. More tests tomorrow and potentially more work to be done by specialist. As mom does, she assumes the worst. I don't think that way and it will be a struggle for me to fight that with her. There are options and alternatives and I want all of them to be explored when we get to them. For now, I hold on to my faith. I pray. I believe. I don't want her to be taken from me like this as she is so strong and has had such a good life.

In my work at TCH, I knew cancer can affect anyone. I just hoped it would not be so close to home.

Godiva

Tonight was really cool. I have been playing poker on Tuesday nights but I took a break from that to have dinner with Daniela and her mom. They are gonna be headed back to the valley at the end of the week so this was probably one of the last times that I would have a chance to spend time with them. We went to Amazon which was perfect because it was not all that crowded minimizing the risk for Dani.

It's not all that often that I get a chance to spend time with the kids and families outside of the hospital but when I do, it's always special. People are still people outside of the circumstance of their illness and Dani and her mother are the warmest, most down to earth people you could ever meet. After we sit down and chat for a few minutes, Daniela pulls a candy bar from her pocket and gives it to me. It is a Godiva bar with my name printed on a wrapper, now how cool is that?!?!?! This kid could have me in her hip pocket with a snap of her fingers, she is so sweet. How could you not love that smile? If that is the only Valentines Day gift or card that I get, my day will still be awesome. In fact, this 10 year old girl made my week.

Did I mention her smile?

Back to Monday

Monday's are kinda heavy - they just are for some reason. Nor really in a bad way, but they just are. Driving to work this morning there was this slight hint of spring. Something seemed a bit brighter somehow.

In need of a bit of momentum to kick a few things off. Gonna work on that first thing tomorrow and we will see what can get done this week. Whatever happens, I realize that letting the negative weigh me down at the craziest times is not good. Shake it off. Get some things done. The week will be successful. I wonder if any of this blog will mean anything to somebody one day.


Oh, what's for dinner? Shrimp in lemon pepper basil sauce over linguini

A simple weekend

Poker

Well I am not all that great at it but it's nice to have found a regular game. This is the second week I have played with Darren and his cousins and it has been fun. It's cool to see those guys somewhere else than the other side of their bars. So this is the second week and I think I did a lot better than my first week. If nothing else I limped into the hold 'em game at the end and managed to double up at least once with the blinds doubled. But alas, I am a loser - but a happy one. I will certainly be back for more.

Oh, what's for dinner:

Bison ribeye w/ mushrooms
Truffle potatoes
Rapini

When you well is dry

Start Digging.