Halloween Weekend in Austin

Another cool weekend in Austin with Andy and Angie. I am really blessed to have those guys as the type of friends that will open their home to me. I always have a great time there and it seems to have become my spot for a quick get away. The best part of the weekend was getting to see Nicole and again and catch up with her. Picked her up from the airport and we went to The Oasis for lunch. As always a great view of the lake. I kind of thought that our conversation would at some point focus on us and where we are. A more serious take of two people getting to know each other again but it did not and that was ok. We just were together. It felt really good to have that level of comfort with her. We will see what happens from here. Could I live in NY? Could I do that for her? Certainly nowhere near those decisions right now but it still crosses my mind.

What the fuck am I doing at work. I am so un-inspired. I need to dig deep into something because I refuse to go through the motions.

Tomorrow is Halloween and I hate it. I don't like it. I don't fit in. I hate dressing up. I just want to be me.

I need an anchor. Something to come back to. My faith should be enough but right now it is not. I know this is wrong but it simply is where I am right now. I need a constant in this changing world.

Flying With the Best

So who would have known. I was just checking scores at the USPA Nationals and there are 4 teams from my Drop Zone. Two of the freefly teams I have been on the same load jumping with them. I have dapped up Meg and Todd at 10,000 during final checks (as is the custom between people in the sport) on at least 4 loads. I had no idea they were training nor that the Spaceland Teams were good enough to go to nationals. Cool! Congrats to Anomaly and Bling!

Pig

What point could there be troubling?
Head down wondering what will become of me?
Why concern what we cannot see
But no reason to abandon it
The time is short but that's all right
Maybe I'll go in the middle of the night
Take your hands from your eyes, my love
All good things must come to an end some time
But don't burn the day away
Don't burn the day away...

Interest

Going along in the business world I have been finding it kind of cool to be courted by other companies. On the other hand, I struggle sometimes to maintain the proper relationship based on my interest. After all, it is always good to talk to people and see what is going on with a company. It is another thing totally to misrepresent yourself and interest. It can be a fine line though.

Stepping out into the VC or Private Equity world could be interesting. I think it is a great next move in the career and something that I could embrace. It just has to be the right move for me and right timing. Things went well talking to Bernards VC group today and I would like to see how that matures. Also Macquarie is coming back around but it would ba a risk position. That is one to be really careful on becaue I want to maintain the relationship for a commercial role. We will see.

All said, even through my bitching on Calpine, I have a good boss and good coworker. I like the energy industry and it would be hard to leave. Could certainly come back. I just wish my career at Calpine was at the next level. But I cant say things are bad.

Jump 6 was done today with Terry from the Caravan. This was my first time standing in the door with him behind me and not holding on to me. Solo exit and it went well. This one was particularly beautiful because it was sun set. The video shows me exiting solo and me leveling out with the sun setting behind me. Beautiful.

The Road Home

This past weekend was my first trip back home to Mobile in at least four years. Funny to think that I don't remember the last time that I went to Mobile but I really don't. Since Pops died and Mom moved back to Montgomery I have only really gone there to visit my God Parents and a few other relatives from time to time. I did not think that this trip would be easy and in some ways it was difficult at time, but there is nothing like going home.


Driving down Airport Boulevard gave me a chance to see all of the Mobile that I once new for the most part. I stopped by my old middle school to find that it had been leveled and replaced by a new building with zero personality. Hell they even renamed it - no more Azalea Road Middle School. My high school W. P. Davidson across the street was there. Looked the same for the most part, they major change was a fine arts center on the back.


From there I did one of my favorite things which is driving down Government Boulevard through old Mobile under the canopy of oak trees. I love this street because it shows all of the influences to the city; Spanish, British, French and Antebellum. There is a lot of cool history.


Friday night was the rehearsal and dinner and this was the first time that I have seen David in at least 5 years or so AND the first time meeting his 2 year old son. Seeing his little brother and even younger sister both with a couple kids does nothing but screw with my mind. What do I have to show for all these years? I guess we all grow up.


Saturday I got up and visited Dad's grave. That is something that always moves me and I find myself evaluating my life based on what he would want me to be striving for. It gives me focus. Definition. Purpose. I miss you Dad so much. I just want to be the man you wanted me to be. I want to make you proud and achieve the things that you never dreamed that I would. I won't let you down. I really miss you Pops.

Before I went to the wedding I drove the old neighborhood and even stopped by my old house before seeing my God Mother. This was the one thing that I really dreaded doing. Just as I feared, the my house is trashed. It is gone. Cars in the yard. A weight bench on the side of the front yard. It is a hideous blue. No lawn or garden to speak of. I took a lot of pictures on this trip but I could not bear to raise my camera and take a picture of my beautiful wonderful home. The one and only home that I lived in. The house my parents brought me home from the hospital to. It is gone. No more roses in my mothers garden, it's gone. This is just a clear example of the hand off of wealth from my parents generation to younger people my age and younger. There is no appreciation of a home or community. No pride in how you take care of a house. I drove past Mrs. Watson's house and I could easily tell that she lives there still - her yard was spotless.



The rest of the wedding and trip was good and less emotional. The reception was a lot of fun and brought together a lot of people. I got to make some new friends and connect with old ones as well as my home town. It's always good to go home.


Did I mention Wentzell's Oyster House...........yuuuuuummmmmm

Home

This has been a hella busy week at work. A lot of deals getting priced and transactions on the horizon so it has kept me busy. First week holding down the back row of the trade floor by the windows solo but I am not moving for now. Not giving up the view. At least the rain has stopped.

A ton of travel coming up here. Wedding season in the fall. And for the record, who the hell plans a fall wedding? Don't people know that it's football season? I am out of town four of the next five weekends and three of them are for weddings and I am in one of them. Which brings me to........

Heading home this weekend for David's wedding. Talk about mixed feelings. Mobile will always and forever be what I consider to be my home town. Born there. Educated there. Grew up in the same house for 26 years until mom moved. Every birthday, thanksgiving and Christmas in the same house. So many memories. I guess I am apprehensive on the changes there and all the memories that will flood back going there. On one hand it defines who I am and so many memories of my father are in that city. On the other hand, it has changed so much and I am not sure how it will feel going back after 5 or 6 years. I am sure it will feel smaller. But I think most of all I fear that it has become a city more divided - split down the middle between black and white. What will my old neighborhood look like? Seeing my old home is really gonna rip me up I think.

Strange to have these feelings about going home. I think the best I can hope is that I will reconnect and not making that connection again is probably what I fear the most.

Pictures from the Office

Random pictures with interesting lighting.

Home Dogs?

Hell No!

Auburn 27
Gators 17

War Damn Eagle!

Back to the swamp with ya!

These Lyrics Stayed With Me Today

When it all has ended
How will we have spent it
Did we see the beauty in each day?
Was it God's devotion
Behind each emotion
Or did it all just slip away?

Follow Through

Well I had the work conversation today. Good thing is, answers are coming. Good ones I think.

By the way, is it just me or is it really in approprate for the hick that sits next to me to cut his fingernails on the trade floor. Can't you do that at home???? I fully expect him to kick his shoes off one day and go at it. Gross.

Change

Here I am again in the mirror.

The things about me that are good are some of the things I need to change. I need to stand up for self more and do what I want to do when I want to do it. Take control. Speak my mind. Step one is the job and finding out what is going on tomorrow. I need to know where I stand and what my future is. Things are literally moving around me and I need to get clued in. How the hell does my group suddemly get relocated to a different part of the floor except for me? Seems like I am the last to know everything because I don't like to play the games in the office. Can somebody just shoot straight with me for once?

Failed Chemistry 101 again. Again. I had to call Mesha and tell her I thought we would be best as friends. Very attractive woman and in a lot of ways reminds me of Chelsea. But it just was not right after a couple dates. There was just no chemistry there and as much as I wanted to give it a try, we just could not connect. There was never much to talk about and conversation always seemed like an effort. How is that two people can meet and just hit it off? Why does that NOT happen even when people want it to? How does chemistry work? Is it real or am I looking for something that just is not real except for me?

Jumps 4 and 5 - Mission Complete

Pieces on the Chess Board

This week was a big reminder that we are all expendable on the job. My role wherever I work will always change and be in flux. Maybe I will be in favor, maybe not. This week two new people started on the team so I am no longer a group of one. In the broad sense this is good, but I am left asking where do I fit in. I am just not sure, and I really want to step back and make sure I am taking this in before taking anything to the boss. But I think I will.

Both of the new guys that were brought in are senior to me. I dont think I have a problem with that as far as the reporting goes and technically I will report to neither. My problem with it is that it was primarily a compensation driven decision to get them in at the levels that they are in the job. Well, what does that say about my current level? I am the guy that has stayed through the fire. I stuck it out. I am still here. Why am I not being considered for promotion? It just does not add up. Gonna think about this more over the weekend and take it from there.

Would I move to NYC for a private equity job? Would I take the same salary to work for a year in that industry and write my ticket? Yeah, there are even more questions to be answered.

Checked out Citizen Cope last night and came to a realization. I will no longer buy two tickets for a concert unless I am dating somebody. No more getting an extra "in case" I am dating somebody when the show comes around. I have gotten stuck with too many tickets or running around at the last moment to find somebody to go with. That said, checking out Ozomatli tomorrow night and trying to get tickets to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs for Sunday. Also might try and see Del tha Funkee Homosapien Saturday. All for the love of the music.

Citizen Cope

Risk vs Reward

Speaking with Eric about the potential for a new job at FPL got me thinking about the path that I have taken with my career and the risky industry that I am in. I wont even mention the number of jobs I have had since grad school. It was not planned. With another possible change on the horizon I have got to make the right choice because much more and this will start to reflect on me - not something I want. BUT, I am ready for more responsibility and a richer future. Now I have to find it. Otherwise it was actually nice to be back in SFLA. I even made a new friend along the way over dinner Thursday night. I was a bit unsure on the trip but I had a good time and crammed in a lot including a trip to the ER Thursday night until 3 AM. Not fun.

Saturday included two more jumps with my instructor which were awesome. The first jump I pulled a bit early at about 7,000 to avoid some clouds and had an extra long ride down diving around clouds. I didn't feel all that comfortable with the leg turs that I was supposed to do but I guess that will get better. The second jump was my first release and it was nothing short of perfect - kinda. Terry and I jumped from 14,000 and he released me as soon as we got stable and I maintained a perfect heading all the way down. He redocked with me and about that time right above 6,000 I saw us heading for a cloud. Too late. I waved and by the time I opened I was in the middle of a huge cloud. Kinda cool but scary for the 20 seconds or so it took me to fly out. Hearing Terry hoot and hollar on the video after he opened was awesome.

Spoke with Aaron this AM in the hospital. I only wish I could be as strong as he is if I was in his situation.