Once Upon A Time I Had A Cool Job

Some things I suppose you never forget. V41P1150C. Center Main Engine Helium Tank Pressure. Every valve position, temperature, pressure and data parameter on the Space Shuttle is tagged with its own unique ID number. There are literally tens of thousands. I have countless bits of Space Shuttle information like this in my head that I will take to my grave. Although its been ten years (almost to the day) since I worked console for a launch I still remember every detail and as we approach another flight this weekend, it all comes back.

Working as a Main Propulsion System (MPS) flight controller for the Shuttle program was and will forever be my coolest job. You just can’t top it. I worked 6 launches during my days at NASA responsible for the external tank, solid rocket boosters, and the maze or cryogenic propellant lines in the Shuttle aft compartment that get liquid oxygen and liquid hydrogen from the external tank to the three main engines. There is nothing cooler than going home after a launch and watching a replay on CNN and saying, yup, that’s what I did at work today. During the days leading up to a launch like we have this Saturday brings all the memories back even stronger because I miss it. I will be glued to the TV Saturday about 3:40 in the afternoon you can bet on that.

Out of town for the next few days to go see Wendell up on the Cape and hang out with his family. It will be good to get away for a moment and enjoy a cool New England night and some fireworks.

He Said, She Said: You Mean She Called........ME

I don't get this......

Saturday morning in the midst of my search for a cheeseburger to assuage the demands of my hangover, I notice that I have a missed call on my cell phone. Hmmm..... I don't know this number. Well I call the number back and get a woman whose voice I don't immediately recognize. After I admit I do not know the voice she says it's DL. Wha..... D...... Now comes the panic as she says, you must not have listened to your voice mail. And then the message pops up from the missed call.

What's in the message? Why did she call? She has never, ever called me. This is out of place for 11 on a Saturday morning.

So, DL is a woman that is a common friend of two of my better female friends. I might see her twice a year at a birthday gathering or a get together and we might speak then. Well I have known her for say 4 or 5 years and from the minute I met her I was like whoa. She is stunning. Every time I am around this woman I just kinda stare like a kid looking at the Easter Bunny for the first time. Well here she is, think quick.

So we chat on the phone and I am waiting for the hook. The hook never comes and we just spend time catching up and at the end of the conversation I throw out the "let's catch up over dinner" card. She is cool with that and I race to check the message when we finish. Unfortunately there is no nugget to be found in the voice mail. Just a message for me to call to catch up with her. OK........so.........why did she call? We never speak and she has never called before. Meanwhile I would trade a little toe for a date with her - it just does not make sense. To top it off, I call her on Sunday and ask her to meet me for dinner and I never hear back. I give.

New Music
Paul Simon - Surprise
Nelly Furtado - Loose
Bruce Springsteen - The Seeger Sessions
India Arie - Testimony vol. 1 Life and Relationship
Corinne Bailey Rae - Corinne Bailey Rae
Incubus - Make Yourself

Still Searching

Searching for a new job is an interesting thing because of dealing people. I have gotten all kinds of reactions when I call somebody that I know for info on their company or an introduction. After helping out a lot of people in my day so far some of the reactions that I get when I call the same people for information are amazing. Not returning phone calls seems to be just the beginning. Here is a news flash: HR is a black hole for resumes. Flash number two: your chances of getting a job by applying to the company web site are slimmer than getting front row seats to a U2 concert on Ticket Master.

An addition to the 2006 Dodge Line Up

Looks like there is a new addition outside my home......
You know and love the original Dodge Abductor.

Now as a mid year addition to the Dodge family of vehicles we introduce the Abductor Mini. The mini is for those times when you don't have quite a full load of bodies to transport but you still need your privacy. Maybe you don't need the full sniper and surveillance team tonight - no problem - just take out your 2006 Dodge Abductor Mini. See your dealers now for specific pricing. And yes, it has a Hemi.

Test for Echo

Family Matters

Yesterday being Father's Day always brings back a lot of memories. It will be 11 years this Friday since pops past. I still think about him all the time and miss him dearly at the oddest moments. Being an only child (and the last Dickinson) is something that is constantly front of mind during the holidays and also on Mother's and Father's day. I suppose it is a sense of responsibility that I feel now, particularly for my mother. Now as my mother has gotten older, our relationship is different and probably not the way that either of us envisioned it.

I am always jealous of some of my friends and their relationship with their parents. I think it is cool that parents can actually be friends to their children. In some cases best friends and confidants, what more could you ask for? With me it's always been really different. Growing up in the deep south with parents that were "old school", my parents always represented the authority figure. They were the law. They were almost feared at times (even though I was a good kid and exceptional student that never, ever got in trouble). We never became friends and I hate that. There was never a time where we made that transition which seems to have brought me to where I am with moms right now.

I totally understand that parents want to hear from their kids and know they are ok. What I don't get is why mom always assumes the worst if we have not spoken. Every conversation is dominated by worries and fears (driving too fast, wearing warm clothing, drink enough water, how is your blood pressure, I hope you have friends, eating well, get enough sleep and on and on and on) be them rational or not. That seems to be all we talk about or that she talks about. I have never been a big phone person so I simply don't call every other day like a daughter might call her. She simply worries all the time to the point that she does nothing BUT worry about me it seems. I mean, she is getting older, like a lot older now, and I just worry about her. It's like she almost has nothing but her worry for me and there is nothing that makes her happy. That does not make me happy. At all.

I think it would be a lot better if she would just come here and visit more. She is retired and has nothing else to really do but she simply refuses to come and hang out for a week or so. There is nothing that I can do to get her to come here and that is exactly the problem. Here she is, always worried, but she will not come here to spend time with me to understand that I am actually ok. I don't know what to do, but I do know that she is starting to really work on me as well as her sisters. At the end of the day I am more worried about her. She tells me this weekend that a week ago that she fell and hit her head. My 74 year old mother fell and hit her head and did not tell me. That makes me feel horrible and at the end of the day, I should be worried about HER not HER worried about ME. She is just that independent and strong willed though. I just don't get it. She tries to do everything, in fact, she tries to do too much. I wish she just understood that I am there for her, I am ok, and most of all that I love her very much.

I Laugh To Keep From Crying

I couldn't do it. No way. No how. I can't make this shit up. This is my life. Yeah me, the guy over here. This is the truth, not some fabricated saga. This is the way it seems to go for me. After all, who gets the pleasure of seeing their ex girl friend twice in the same week at both of her birthday celebrations.

I supposed I alluded to it previously, but about a week ago as I am sitting at one of my favorite restaurants, I run into a woman that I previously dated. Well, tonight one of my best friends and his wife asked me to check out a relatively new sushi restaurant. As we are sitting there by the windows eating, a couple walks by. No. It's not. Is it? Yeah, it's her again. With the fiancé again. Ugh. In a city of more than 4 million, in less than seven days, here I am AGAIN.

The couple that I was with noticed the whole group as they know the ex and tell me that some of them have gifts - so you mean to tell me I am at TWO of the ex's birthday parties??? In the same week. Pardon me while I heave my fish up. This time as she comes back from the bathroom, she sees the couple that I am with, and stops to speak to us. I am glad she did although I think the conversation consisted of no more than how are you, how are you, I am good, are you well, I am ok, you are doing fine, yeah I am good. We exchanged maybe 20 of those and then she left.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate her. This isn't an ex that I have anger towards (although I take most of the blame, she could have handled some things much better). Truth be told, this is the woman that I probably should have married. I still love her and care for her so deeply and this is the one mistake in my life that I wish that I could make right. The 18 months that I lived in South Florida during and after our break up were easily the worst period of my life. That is far behind me now and obviously we have both moved on, particularly since she is engaged (damn it hurts to say that).

All said, I am no where near the same person. I always believed in happy endings. I kinda thought that good guys always have a chance. I thought that the second chances that the leading man in the movies got possibly happened in real life. I suppose that I have learned that all of that is not true, at least for me. No happy ending, no second chances, no prize for the leading man. But the disturbing thing is that I deserve all of that. I am a good guy. I did nothing to intentionally harm or hurt C during the time that we were together. I should have been given that second chance and it would have worked. All that is left now is my own cynicism. I am going to a wedding tomorrow so I am sure I will continue to rehash all of this.

I know it's true that seeing somebody that I dated years ago should not fuck me up like this....... maybe she means just that much to me.

"Unholy day
If I leave now I might get away
God knows this weighs on me
As heavy as stone and as blue as I go"

Off Balance...........

Seems like I went into the weekend with a ton of momentum. I had really good swims and runs, good energy, I was getting sleep, eating well, I even had some good progress on the job search. Things were......say on track. Kicking off this week what the hell happened?

Here it is Wednesday night and I don't know where the week has gone so far. I have just been in a daze since I got back from Austin. I feel underutilized or maybe like I am going through the motions of living. I know this is a stream of consciousness that really does not make sense but I am just gonna go with it. What am I missing out on? It seems like there has been work, disjointed sleep and nothing memorable. Yeah this is just a Monday and a Tuesday but it feels like a week.

And the sleep thing........it seems like I have not been able to wind down at night. I end up prowling the house doing nothing. Nothing. Some of it, well, I will admit it is the ex. As I often do, I went to my favorite restaurant Ibiza and sat outside on Sunday with a bottle of wine to watch the sun go down and just chill. I love this place and it is kinda home. I wander inside to say hello to a friend's parents and there she is. Sitting. With her fiance'. Sister. Mother. Ughh. Did my knees really just wobble? Am I sweating?

I need to get back to me and quick. It will come, I know and maybe it is all better tomorrow. I need to cook. I need to have people over for dinner. I need to sit and listen to a great CD. I need to finish the last 80 pages of that book. I should sit in that chair that I never sit in.

Who knows if any of this made sense or was coherent. I really don't care. Seems like I just needed "to say it"

" Shut up I'm thinking
I had a clue now it's gone forever
Sitting over these bones
You can read in whatever you're needing to"

Ladies and Gentlemen Presenting........

Maceo Parker

Without even knowing that the weekend would involve a concert, I got this sweet surprise Friday night. Maceo was in Austin playing at Antones which was a perfect venue. If you don't know Maceo, shame on you. He is the sax player that made James Brown funky back in the day. He is the sax behind Parliament. If it's funky, you can bet he had his hand in it. Enjoy the video! Sorry that it turned out so dark, I think that just adds funk factor.

Weekend in Austin Part 2

Something about Austin in the summer time.......

I had the chance to go to Austin this past weekend to visit Andy and Angie again. This time it was for the birthday of one of their friends and also just to hang out. It was cool to see all of the usual suspects and hang out and have a good time. Friday was dinner at Rocco's Italian, their pepper marsala steak is simply da bomb! After that some of the crew went out downtown to Antone's , more on that later. Maceo Parker was the headliner that night and he was off the hook. Saturday was one of the best days at the lake that I can remember in a long time. It was not too hot and the water was like sitting in a tub. We had to cut the lake short so that we could head out for the birthday party in town which was a lot of fun as well. All in all a really cool weekend.

Houston Texans: All Access

Click me, I have Cheerleaders.

A New Job.......Maybe?

Interviewed with BG today - British Gas. Over all I thought the interview went really well and hopefully it will go to the next step. Although I only met with the President of the North American merchant power business I feel like a got a good feel for the direction. He was really sincere. Thiw would be an odd opportunity because the shop is literally 3 people right now utilizing outside consultants. But the good thing would be that I am in on the ground floor of something that I hope will be big. Stay tuned - this should be the first of hopefully many interviews. Off to bed, I need to put a stronger showing in at the pool in the morning.

Simply an angel

Got to see little Hailey today when I stopped by the hospital today. Usually I don't check in to see who is on the clinic (out patient) side but today I did. I was so excited to see her on the schedule. This little girl's laugh is the best! I could listen to her giggle all day long. We tossed a piece of paper back and forth for about 10 minutes and she giggled the entire time.

Good to see her taking another step towards being healthy again. What an angel.