Chloe

Chloe died today. I hate it every fucking time this happens. A twelve year old does not deserve this, she just wanted to live but I can't imagine what the last year has been like. In a hospital. For a year. Every day. Every fucking day and in intensive care for the last 3 or 4 months.

I know it's cliche to say she is in a better place and she is better off. I will get there in time but right now I just don't understand. I know this is partly because of my own insecurities about death but right now it is hard. When I search my feelings I knew this day would come, I just hoped that she would be a miracle.

What in the world is Ellen thinking right now? Where is she? I don't think she has spent one night away from her daughter this whole time. Right there 24/7 every day with an undying love. I hope she can rest now because of going through everything. Chloe was so very sick. I don't think I ever really saw her doing all that well. Lord please comfort her.

Seems like I have lost so many kids. I wonder why I continue to do this sometimes. I wonder a lot of things. My last memory was dropping off body wash and the movie Something New for them a couple weeks ago. The loved watching movies, it was their only fun time.

I just hope there is some peace and happiness that can somehow be found in this at some point but for right now I just feel lost.