I Laugh To Keep From Crying

I couldn't do it. No way. No how. I can't make this shit up. This is my life. Yeah me, the guy over here. This is the truth, not some fabricated saga. This is the way it seems to go for me. After all, who gets the pleasure of seeing their ex girl friend twice in the same week at both of her birthday celebrations.

I supposed I alluded to it previously, but about a week ago as I am sitting at one of my favorite restaurants, I run into a woman that I previously dated. Well, tonight one of my best friends and his wife asked me to check out a relatively new sushi restaurant. As we are sitting there by the windows eating, a couple walks by. No. It's not. Is it? Yeah, it's her again. With the fiancé again. Ugh. In a city of more than 4 million, in less than seven days, here I am AGAIN.

The couple that I was with noticed the whole group as they know the ex and tell me that some of them have gifts - so you mean to tell me I am at TWO of the ex's birthday parties??? In the same week. Pardon me while I heave my fish up. This time as she comes back from the bathroom, she sees the couple that I am with, and stops to speak to us. I am glad she did although I think the conversation consisted of no more than how are you, how are you, I am good, are you well, I am ok, you are doing fine, yeah I am good. We exchanged maybe 20 of those and then she left.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate her. This isn't an ex that I have anger towards (although I take most of the blame, she could have handled some things much better). Truth be told, this is the woman that I probably should have married. I still love her and care for her so deeply and this is the one mistake in my life that I wish that I could make right. The 18 months that I lived in South Florida during and after our break up were easily the worst period of my life. That is far behind me now and obviously we have both moved on, particularly since she is engaged (damn it hurts to say that).

All said, I am no where near the same person. I always believed in happy endings. I kinda thought that good guys always have a chance. I thought that the second chances that the leading man in the movies got possibly happened in real life. I suppose that I have learned that all of that is not true, at least for me. No happy ending, no second chances, no prize for the leading man. But the disturbing thing is that I deserve all of that. I am a good guy. I did nothing to intentionally harm or hurt C during the time that we were together. I should have been given that second chance and it would have worked. All that is left now is my own cynicism. I am going to a wedding tomorrow so I am sure I will continue to rehash all of this.

I know it's true that seeing somebody that I dated years ago should not fuck me up like this....... maybe she means just that much to me.

"Unholy day
If I leave now I might get away
God knows this weighs on me
As heavy as stone and as blue as I go"