Friendship: Just the Basics

Although I am a pretty big nerd, introvert and only child, I still manage to be a fairly social creature. I have always had friends, and attracted people to me when I look back on my experiences, and that is a good thing. I have had a ton of fun along the way. But still along the way, I have always looked at my circle from time to time and had to pause. Maybe this is just my bitterness pouring out.

If anybody ever reads this years from now when I am long gone from this world, I hope that somebody can stand up and say that I was a good man. I want to be known as a good friend. A confidant. You could rely on me. If I say it, you can take it to the bank. I suppose that it all comes down to being reliable. It is probably because I have always worked hard to do so much and be so much to those around me that I find so much effing disappointment in those close to me. At the end of the day, who really has my back?

I think its one thing to do something for a friend - give a ride, loan $20, help fix something. Whatever. But what about the difficult stuff? What about putting somebody else's interests or feelings before yours? What about being as considerate to others as they are to you? What do you say or more importantly do when somebody else is not around? I am so tired of being disappointed. I am not talking the he said she said shit. I am talking about willfully making a decision knowing that it hurts somebody else. If people can so clearly see how good a friend that I am, why can’t that be reciprocated? What is the problem with that? It just pisses me off to no end.

So here we go again, another disappointment and another let down. I am done. I mean it, I am done. If people want to be my friend in the truest since, then they will have to earn it. If you are a friend and you fuck it up and drop me in the grease, then God help you. I can’t continue to be disappointed and let down by others. Time for me to start looking out for self.