The Launch Pad: On Final Approach

This plane is about to land. Tray tables and seat backs to their full and upright positions. Yup, closing shop. Sucks to see this go away but it is not my choice.

Blogger seems to not like the fact that I ftp publish to my own url. Since when was that such a bad idea? Never fear, all is not lost. I think the best solution is to just move to another publisher, probably WordPress but at this point I am not sure. I will just take some time and figure out what is next and lean on the expertise of some friends that know a lot more about those things than me (paging Lisa, Lisa please report to receptionist). Do some spring cleaning, trim the hedges and I should be back better than ever.

Can ya believe I started this thing March 2006? Four years ago. Back then I just kinda had this idea to somehow create a place to be found. No agenda required. No audience requested. From that idea, this happened and I think that it turned out alright. There is a lot of good here, and also a lot of bad, I just hope that it balances out. If it does not balance then I suppose that is OK also because the whole point of this was just to put it all out there.

See ya soon folks. I think I know who the regulars are around here so I will let you know when I have the boxes unpacked at the new house. Lurkers, I think I have a guess on the head count there as well. If you are lurking in the background and have not made yourself known, you should know how to reach me. The info is the same.

Lying on the roof counting

The suns that fill the sky

I wonder if

Someone in the heaven's looking back down on me

I'll never know........

A Perception Of The Best Intention

Home can mean a lot of things to different people. For me home means Mobile Alabama and even more so the house that I grew up in. That is and will always be home for me because I was really fortunate to grow up in that one house on Wagner Street. All of my memories from my early childhood through college come back to that one house.

Our home was really nothing special at all. I would bet that the house was probably only 1800 square feet but it was enough for our small family. We made do. There was a large front and back yard that we took great pride in keeping clean and tidy. During March and April the front yard was always an explosion of azaleas, magnolias, lilies and fading camelias. Everything was just so. The majority of our neighbors took equal pride (Thank you Mrs. Cunningham for the fig tree next door, just over my fence). This area was one of the first middle class neighborhoods in Mobile where African Americans lived in the late 60's after the White population moved away because of desegregation. My hero Hank Aaron grew up here. This is where you could find the teachers, doctors, and politicians. As an adult I know that this was due to redlining of districts (I urge you to look that term up if you are not aware of it because it plays a major role in why racial inequity still exists today and why the playing field is anything but equal) but that did not matter, because we were a community in every sense. This was just a very special safe place to grow up and call home.

Unfortunately, it is anything but home now. Mom sold the house after Pops passed on and it has not been the same since then. After Mom moved I found that my reasons to go to Mobile became less and less frequent for me and now I rarely go back. I think that I was in Mobile maybe seven years ago and stopped to see my God Parents. They told me how things had changed and how the house was now run down. Schools were different, parks gone, memories and standards erased. With a new younger generation of African Americans taking over the properties their relatives had in Toulminville, the previous standard of care was thrown out of the window. My childhood home now reflected that. When I drove by that day I found a home with cars parked in the yard on the grass, no flowers or care given to the property, and the front porch looked like Ma and Pa sat out front with ten neighbors every night and boozed it up on 40's. The home was now painted a hideous shade of blue. There was nothing green or alive it seemed, and it simply broke my heart. A few years ago with the advent of Google street view I visited that home again only to find the same heart break. I honestly vowed never to look again.

I had an unexpected visit back there this past weekend. A friend and his wife from Houston went to Mobile to visit their own relatives and contacted me via text while they were there. My friend asked me where I grew up, and I shared the location hoping that they would not go by. It went through the back of my mind that a picture phone would not be my friend if they went there, but that was likely their intention by contacting me in the first place. And yes, the picture came the next day. The scab was picked again. In all fairness to them, they really had no idea and there was no way to tell them all that I shared here in this post.

They can't be faulted. I just wish that they could have known Wagner Street as I knew it. I wish they could have met Mr and Mrs Cunningham and jumped the fence to swipe a few figs. I wish the could have met Mrs Shamburger - damn that woman made some mean fried chicken. I wish we could have gone to the end of the block so that I could have introduced them to Mrs. Watson on the school board. We could have gone to the street behind us where Mrs. Vincent lived who was pretty much my nanny growing up - she loved me so dearly. Lastly we could have gone down to Donald Street and seen Bessie C. Fonville Elementary where my father was a principal for many years. They actually named a building after him that bore his name until the school closed last year.

But all of that is gone now and I can't share it. I can only share my perception of their intention.

After Forty

Good things seem to happen after forty

Forty years in the wilderness

Forty days and forty nights of rain

Forty days on the mount

All of that turned out pretty damn good so let's hope things are changing for me. I went in today to speak with a company today and locked up a contract role. Certainly not in the clear as this is a 90 day engagement that buys me some time. No guarantees that there will be more so I will be keeping my head on a swivel after my disappointment in December. Fact is, this pays bills. Period. That is key right now.

So maybe after forty years, life will really begin and be what it should.

What's for dinner? Osso bucco and a risotto

Forty: Tasting The Wine

36

37

38

39

Forty.

It's interesting to look back and see where I have been up until now before adding a few more thoughts. I just have to step back and ask myself some hard questions on where I have been, and where I am going.

Stability. The one thing that I wanted after finishing grad school was to put my life on the rails, start my career, and enjoy life. After all, a hand full of degrees from great schools is enough to say that you have worked hard to set yourself up, right? I suppose that I thought the whole career thing would be a given and good things would happen with hard work. Good things have indeed happened but that stability thing has eluded me again and again and then again. What's up with that? Why did this end up pretty much defining my life in my 30's? I am sure that there are a lot of people on the outside looking at my world that wonder why I can't catch a break or what is wrong with me that this keeps happening. Yet here I am again in the same situation in 2010 as I was in 2002, and again in 2008. Ten years. Seven jobs.

This time around it's been hard. I am three full months into this job search and the fight is on. Things continue to go well but I have yet to close this search down. I hope that changes this week. At a time where I know that I should be celebrating a birthday, the whole idea of it just turns me off. I don't have the energy to plan for it, and the idea of celebrating with friends for a day is the last thing that I want. I just can't open myself up to celebrating because I think it is completely disingenuous to have people pat you on the back one day celebrating and then the day after your birthday you wake to find out that you are not within their immediate circle of give a shit. Sounds like a positive, uplifting take right? I believe that you should care about those around you everyday and it should not take a birthday or Christmas to reach out to close friends. You should do that everyday and it should be a given for a good friendship. Unfortunately this is just not the case in how we live our lives which in no way do I intend to be an indictment of my personal friends. This is just one man's observation and realistic account of the difference between what people say, and what they do.

Fact is I don't have a lot positive to share right now. If I am being honest with myself, this is just how it is right now. It boils down to not being where I should and deserve to be. Although my goals have not been met it would be selfish of me to recognize that my lot is better than most, in fact much better than most. Indeed there is somebody whose 30's were a lot worse than mine and many that did not live to 30.

What has happened the last 40 years? I am not sure that I can answer that question or tell you what has happened during career 2.0 in my 30's. It has been a ride and that is a fact. For now, I have my head down and I am focused on getting back on track. Right about now I am sure you are thinking I might be missing the fact that what you do is not who you are. Nope, not true. I get that and that message is loud and clear. It's just that I need to get past this, and move on to where I need to be. Reclaim my life. Get my swagger and energy back.

The wine has not changed, I have simply not been taking time to taste it.

That's my blood down there
Seems poured from the hands of angels
But trickle into the ground
Leaves the warehouse bare and empty
And my heart's numbered beat
Still echo in this empty room
And fear wells in me
But nothing seems good enough to defend
So I am going away,
Though you know I'd love to say,
Lucky lucky lucky day........

There Is The Truth, and Then There Is The Truth

I have not had much to say here, sorry about that if anybody has stopped by. The truth is that I have indeed had a lot to share, mostly about my continued job search. I certainly don't have anything to hide, but I am conscious of the line of what you present to the world on line and what is best kept off the internet. All of this is nothing negative but to somebody that does not know me or happens across this, it could all be taken the wrong way.

Truth is, things have not been going well. What has gone well is the amount of diligence that I have created and the database of opportunities that I maintain. I have generated a lot of information - it's overwhelming in fact, but in a very good way. I have been fortunate in that I have been able to leverage a lot of connections to open doors and provide some good guidance. All of that is good, however, when it comes to closing the deal, I am still falling short. That is the hard part. I have been so close recently that it is just heartbreaking to recount. I have thought about just laying it all out here for the world to read as it unfolds but that could be a bit much. No doubt that it would certainly represent a day in the life and give a perspective on what my days entail, but it could all be taken the wrong way.

So here I am. End of March empty handed. Yes, I know. You are thinking of all the positive platitudes that people normally say. Things will turn around. You will find something. You don't have anything to worry about. You will find the right job. Things happen for a reason. Fact is, all of that makes you feel a whole lot better than it does to encourage me.

In This World

In this world man must either be anvil or hammer.

HWL

What's For Dinner: Chicken Saltimbocca and Orzo

March One

January in the books. February in the books.

I think a lot of people that have been watching the economy for different reasons have been waiting for March/April to come around. I have been waiting as well for this time period because I think this will be a pivotal few months on the productivity and recovery of the economy. If you were to ask me how this month and Q2 will go I don't think I could give you a logical or emotional answer. I just don't know. I do know that in 2008 this was the time that a lot of people were scratching their head and wondering what was going on. It is absolutely within reason that 2010 won't bring significant changes but nobody wants to talk about that.

As for me personally, I have a lot going on at the beginning of this month that I hope will turn my situation around. If nothing else, I am hoping that something will come my way on contract to buy me some more time. This could turn any day, at any moment and I hope that it does.

Let's see what March will bring.

What's For Dinner: Best Braise Yet!

Thank You Mr. Internet Hacker

So do you REALLY want to be me?

Don't ask me how it happened but somebody hacked my Yahoo account this week. Tuesday morning I woke to a constant stream of phone calls of people checking on me to see what was going on - like I am coherent at 7:00 AM sans caffeine. I went to my computer to find out that I had an email from Yahoo notifying me that my password had been changed. The next email stated that another email had been added to the account as the primary method of communication effectively locking me out. Meanwhile the phone is still ringing constantly with people mostly telling me to check into the situation. A couple of people sent the actual email to me and I suppose that did nothing but piss me off. Mr. Hacker, if you are going to run a scam for money from my friends and business contacts, at least use a believable story. Saying that I am randomly in "Wales" with "my family" and "crying as I type this" does not fly.

So two days later it is all resolved and the account is back in my control. What a pain, like I needed that this week.